What If?
by The Narrator
Summary: DO NOT READ UNLESS EASILY AMUSED! Kenshin questions Megumi's professional skills, but what is the real reason he's doing it?
1. What if?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. Wish I did, but I do not, so there you go! Schade!

C.M. Forde-chan: This one is for you, honey-child…

**What If?**

To say Sano was nervous would be like equating a mote of dust to infinity. All right, perhaps that is a _slight_ exaggeration, but not much. He was currently developing a nail-biting, sweating-bullets, butterflies-in-the-stomach, oh-my-God-I-can-hear-my-ancestors-calling-me nervosa complex. The formal and well-starched black kimono and ridiculous hat strapped to his head were not the reasons, although they certainly contributed. Neither was it the soft, solemn monotone of the dignified Shinto priest or the billows of strongly fragrant incense wafting up into the rafters of the secluded room of the temple. Oh no, it was much _much_ worse than that… 

Sano peeked out of the corner of his left eye to gaze at the face of the beautiful young girl who was kneeling serenely beside him, the sleeve of her elegant red kimono just a hairsbreadth away from touching his own. Her midnight hair had been done up in an extravagant hairstyle that would have befitted a princess of the most decadent feudal court. Her warm golden brown eyes were modestly lowered, half-veiled below thick dark lashes. She seemed only to have her attention for the words of the priest, but she must have sensed his gaze, for she ever-so-subtly reached out and touched his arm, her tiny fingers warm even through the thickness of the kimono. Her delicate pink lips quirked in a soft smile as her other hand went briefly to her slightly rounded belly, and she gave his arm light squeeze.

Sano gulped and quickly shifted his gaze to the corner of his right eye. _This was the cause of his present anxiety. Well, this and the good three feet of shining lethal (and undoubtedly razor-sharp) metal currently hovering a micrometer from his jugular. Sano let his eyes travel up the gleaming blade until they met the burning golden gaze of the katana's owner._

Saitou narrowed his eyes ever-so-slightly. _'If you even **think** about backing out now, the last thing you'll see is two feet of this blade going through your throat.' It was amazing how eloquent a simple glare could be._

Sano gulped again and tried to get his focus back on the ceremony, praying to whatever cruel god that had gotten him into this fiasco would be merciful and let him keel over and die from a heart attack or asphyxiation or _something_ before he had to say, "I do!"

"I did not know Saitou had a little sister," Kaoru mused quietly as they witnessed the surreal tableaux.

"He is not supposed to, but this is a "what if" situation after all de gozaru," Kenshin pointed out in the same tone.

"Well, it _is_ Sano's fault for being stupid enough to knock her up, but it really sucks that he had to choose that particular girl," Yahiko chimed in rather more loudly than necessary.

"But still," Kaoru protested, "A "Gatotsu wedding" is pushing it to the extremes!"

Narrator here! Okay, before any of you flame me, hear me out! I warned you in the summary that this was stupid and a waste of time to read, so unless you like playing Russian Roulette to ease your boredom, it is your own darned fault for clicking on it!

By the bye, the origin of this story was a discussion between my friend C.M. Forde and me about "shotgun weddings." Things got kinda out of hand, and since Rurouni Kenshin is my favorite anime…

Salute!

Author's Note (15 January 2004): In the original posting of this fic, I had the girl as Saitou's daughter.  Thinking back, that idea is far too bizarre to really carry (not that Saitou's having a little sister is any more accurate!).  Besides, everyone knows Saitou had three sons.

*-* Poor Tokio-san!


	2. Sake?

**Disclaimer:** _Rurouni Kenshin_ is the exclusive property of people who are much richer and more creative than me.

**Be warned:** The Narrator is not responsible for what she says/write/does under the influence of caffeine, sugar, boredom, etc.__

****

Well, I know this isn't the expected continuation of _What If?_ because the basis for that one-shot was entirely too implausible for me to carry through with any hope of coherency.  Instead, I have decided just to do a series of random ficlets and see what happens.

****

**_Sake_?**

            "Go on, pour me anudder one."

            "Ano…I'd do it, but you keep on movin' the *hiccup!* darned saucer!"

            "Tee hee!  I am _not_!  You're jus' haluseeing…haruschneyin'…halu…halloo…you're jus' seein' things!"

            "Oh, okay.  *Hic!* But the saucer's still movin'…wait, is it jus' me or is the room startin' to *hiccup!* go up 'n down?"

            "Stop bein' silly!  Here, jus' gimme the darned jug already!"

            "Oi, Hiko-shan sen' this'n here jug to the *hic!* Aoiya, Kaoru-shan, so you bes' not be getting' all grabby! Hiccup!"

            Kaoru eyed her drinking partner through bleary eyes while making a rather valiant grab across the table for the _sake_ jug under dispute.  Her equilibrial faculties being something less than nominal, however, she only succeeded in clutching the air a good two feet to the right.

            *WHUMP!*

            "Oi, Kaoru-shan…where'd ya go to?" Misao asked, rather perturbed by her friend's sudden disappearance.  She looked around vaguely, wondering if Kaoru was hiding in the darkened corners of the room.

            "All righ,' who was the jerk who wen' and pushed me?!" Kaoru's voice demanded angrily, somewhat muffled.

            "Kaoru-shan? Hic!" Misao called out.  It seemed that the shihondai's voice was coming through the table!  Misao rapped on it experimentally; maybe it was hollow and Kaoru fell into it…

            "Whoo!"  Kaoru's head suddenly popped up from the end of the table, her face flushed a dangerous scarlet.  "Was the big idea, shovin' me like that?!" she yelped, shaking a finger at Misao, "That's _mean_!  You shouldn' do stuff like that to your friends!  Especially because tatami's really hard!"  She patted her abused cheeks mournfully.  "I'm gonna have tatami prin' on my face and Kenshin won' even wanna look at meeeee….!"   She started bawling, maundering on and on about how a woman just could not go out in public with a red face, and how it was not fair that she could not have a room entirely made of pillows, and how soft it would be, and she could just curl up in the pillows like a fluffy kitty, and how she liked little kitty's, she had one when she was a little girl, she named him Sekitan because he was all black and…

            "You want anudder saucer of _sake _*hi! hic!* or what?!" Misao interrupted.

            "Yes, please!" Kaoru burbled, shoving her saucer at Misao.  The young Okashira of the Oniwabanshu carefully picked up the ceramic _sake_ jug and delicately tipped its clear contents into the small drinking vessel.

            "Oh, no, all gone.  Hiccup!" she announced mournfully, shaking out the last precious drops.

            "So that means…" Kaoru's eyes went wide in horror, "we only have two jugs left!"

            "We bes' be careful then," Misao said sagely, nodding her head.  She picked up one of the remaining jugs and wagged her finger at Kaoru.  "Maybe you should jus' go to bed now, Kaoru-shan; you shouldn' be drinkin' like this at your age!"

            "What're you talkin' about?!" Kaoru growled, suddenly leaning heavily on the table.  She glanced behind herself, hoping to catch whoever it was doing the shoving.  Seeing no one there, she frowned mightily before refocusing on the matter at hand.  "I'll have you know that I'm twenny…I'm twenny…"  She frowned and hastily did some calculations on her fingers.  "I'm twenny-one years old, Misao-chan!  I can hold my _sake!_"  She frowned again.  "Besides, you're a year younger'n me!  _I'm _the one who should be holding the _sake _jug!"

            "Good point," Misao agreed.  Then, a Brilliant Idea occurred to her. "How'n about you get *hic!* this here jug, and I take the other one, and we see who can drink the most in one go?"

            "Bring it on!" Kaoru boasted, grabbing the jug.

            "…and I don' know why Aoshi-sama won' pay attention to meeeee!  I got all nice n' purty and he didn' even say *hiccup!* anything!" Misao sobbed, holding her head in her arms and knocking over her now-empty _sake_ jug.

            Kaoru moved to hug her, but found this to be quite impossible, as her legs suddenly seemed to have walked off without her knowing.  She settled for affably punching the young ninja woman in the shoulder.  "Don' get all down like that!" she admonished, "If he makes you fell crappy, you should make _him_ feel crappy!"

            "But *sniff! hiccup!* how do I do that?" Misao wanted to know, raising her tear-streaked face out of her arms.

            Kaoru smiled wickedly.

            Kenshin woke early to the sound of birds twittering their dawn songs.  Sleepily, he rolled over on his side, and reached for Kaoru…and his hand met empty futon.  Instantly, his hitokiri-trained senses went on full alert and he sat bolt upright on the futon.  _'Not good!'_ his brain screamed, and in exactly 7.98 seconds, he was dressed and wandering the Aoiya complex in search of his wife.

            _'Where could she be?  I could have sworn she said she coming right to bed after she talked with Misao-dono!'_ he thought anxiously, peering into various bedrooms, wardrobes, and broom closets.

            After a good twenty minutes of frantic searching, he caught sight of Aoshi standing in the doorway of a room he had not checked yet.

            "Aoshi, have you seen Kaoru?" Kenshin asked politely as he approached.

            Aoshi did not reply, but only remained standing stock-still, one foot in the room, one in the hallway.  Kenshin noted that it was Aoshi's office, where the ex-Okashira processed incoming intelligence reports and attended to other ninja-type administrational duties. Aoshi appeared to be staring up at the room's ceiling, completely and utterly fascinated by what he saw there.

            Kenshin's left eyebrow quirked up.  _'Is it just me, or Aoshi acting unusually strange today?'_  "Aoshi, sessha doesn't mean to be rude but…"

            "Battousai, do you see what I see?" Aoshi interrupted him in a perfectly even voice, still not breaking eye-contact with the ceiling.

            Kenshin's right eyebrow quirked up.  _'Must be one of those Zen question things you're supposed to ponder for hours on end,'_ he observed before replying, "If you mean in the cosmic sense, Aoshi, sessha doesn't really have time to be having a philosophical discussion right now because Kaoru is…"

            Aoshi clamped a very large, very strong hand on Kenshin's head and forced the smaller man's line-of-sight upwards.  "Oro!  Aoshi, what are you doing…?!"

            Kenshin stared.

            Then he blinked three time, once slowly, and twice more quite rapidly. 

            Then he rubbed the heels of his hands very hard into his eyes and blinked again before resuming his staring.

            The view did not change.

            "Ano, sessha recalls hearing that shishou left some of his _sake _stash here at the Aoiya de gozaru…"

            The two warriors exchanged glances, and by mutual agreement, took off, searching for their respective significant others.

            Kaoru and Misao never were able to explain how they were able to steal all of Aoshi's clothes and tack them to the ceiling of his office with kunai.

Narrator here.  We all know what happens when Kaoru gets drunk, so it just led me to wondering what Misao was like drunk, and then it led, "_What if both of them were drunk at the same time?_"

Yep, pretty scary.


	3. Jenner?

**Disclaimer:** My cross-country team once had a motto: "Run like you stole something."  So, in the spirit of my precious high-school memories… *holds up the "rights to _Rurouni Kenshin_"* I will do so.  It mine, all mine, WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *runs like, well…*

            **Kanashimi:** *sigh!* Gomen, Watsuki-sama.  This should only take a moment.  *lines up the sight of her straitjacket-gun™ on Narrator*

            **Straightjacket-gun**™: *****_WHUMP!_*****

**            Narrator: **Oro!  (@_@) Hidoi, Kanashimi!

            **Kanashimi: ***picks up the "rights to _Rurouni Kenshin_"* Bad onee-sama, no cookie!  You know you're not supposed to steal things that don't belong to you!

            **Narrator: **(*~*) Okay, fine; _Rurouni Kenshin_ isn't mine.  Now, let me out of this thing!

            **Kanashimi:** Ummmm…no! *starts skipping away*

            **Narrator: **_GET BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE…!_

**Jenner****?**

            "Ano, Megumi-dono, are you _certain_ that this should be done?"

            Megumi closed her eyes and counted to ten, very slowly.  "Yes, Ken-san," she replied, heroically keeping her teeth unclenched, "For the fifth time in the last five minutes, it's my professional advice, _as a doctor,_ that we do this."

            "Sessha isn't so sure it's a good idea, de gozaru…"

            Megumi began rubbing her temples in aggravation.  "Ken-san, why can't you just calm down so we can go into my office and do this?  Kaoru-chan already agreed to let me, so why can't you?  They're waiting for us while we waste time out in this hallway!"  She fixed him with a fierce glare.  "Why do you have to be so hesitant about something that should take less than a minute anyway?"

            "But it's the consequences we have to think about de gozaru yo!" Kenshin exclaimed, flinching slightly under Megumi's wrath.  "What if there is permanent damage?  What if something goes terribly wrong and…?"

            "Are you doubting my abilities as a physician, Ken-san?" Megumi asked in a low voice, which carried the threat of unspeakable pain if Kenshin answered incorrectly.

            "Oro!  Se-sessha is doing nothing of the sort de gozaru yo!" Kenshin yelped, making placating hand motions, "Sessha is, well…"

            "Yes?" Megumi prompted dangerously, backing Kenshin into the closed door leading to her office.

            Kenshin had already started praying to whatever deities he could think up under pressure when the door behind him suddenly opened and summarily sent his backside into rather pointed contact with the hard wood floor.  "Oro!"  

            "Is Kenshin still fussing about it?" Kaoru asked above him, distracting Megumi from Kenshin momentarily.

            The doctor shot Kenshin one last smoldering death glare before turning her attention to Kaoru.  "It seems Ken-san is incapable of trusting my expert advice," Megumi replied with a sniff.

            Kaoru glared down at her husband, who had been trying to make himself as small as he could on the floor.  "Honestly, Kenshin, if Megumi-san says we should, I say we trust her!"

            "But, koishii…"

            "Kenshin, sh!  You don't have to be in here if you're going to make such a big deal about it!"  She turned on her heel and took a seat on the examination table beside Kenji.

            "Oroooo…" Kenshin groaned pitifully.

            "Okaa-san, is it really that bad?" Kenji, who had been remarkably quiet through the entire ordeal, piped up.  His eyes were round with trepidation and his lower lip was starting to tremble as he tugged on the sleeve of Kaoru's kimono.  "If otou-san is so scared, doesn't that mean it's going to hurt?"

            Both females in the room shot such looks at Kenshin that he ought to have been crispy-fried critter on the spot.

            "Kenji-kun, I'm not going to lie to you," Megumi answered the five-year-old in a frank, kind voice (entirely different from the tone she had been using with Kenshin of late), "It's going to sting for a bit, but it'll feel just like a pinch."

            "You mean, like when okaa-san pinches otou-san at the table and he disappears under it?" Kenji asked worriedly.

            Megumi raised an eyebrow at Kaoru, who gritted her teeth in a facsimile of a smile.  "Kenji-chan, just because it's true doesn't mean it has to be said," she told her son, "Besides, otou-san's just being silly when he does that."  She looked over at Kenshin, who had just made the mistake of getting up off the floor.  "_Right_, Kenshin?"

            "Er…hai, koishii!" Kenshin agreed automatically, ready to flee if Kaoru made any sudden movements.

            "You've certainly gotten him well-trained, Kaoru-chan," Megumi observed before speaking to Kenji, "You see?  It won't hurt so much, not for a brave little boy like you, neh?"

            Kenji still looked a bit dubious.  "Tell you what," Kaoru supplied, "Once this is over, we'll stop by a candy store on the way home and you can pick out some mochi.  Would you like that, Kenji-chan?"

            Kenji's eyes lit up, once more proving the old parental axiom: persuasion is good, but bribery is better.  "I'm brave!" Kenji declared proudly, sitting up beside his mother.

            "Of course you are," Megumi said.  She concealed her smirk by turning around and picking up the sterilized syringe that lay on the metal tray beside the exam table.

            "It'll be all right de gozaru," Kenshin said to Kenji, nervously tussling his son's hair as he eyed the syringe in Megumi's hands.  _'Kami-sama, that needle looks sharp!  It's even bigger than the ones Kaoru uses for sewing!'_  He had already spent his arguments though; Kaoru and Megumi were determined on impaling his poor, innocent son with that incredibly long, sharp, pain-inducing…  He clenched his teeth.

            "Just give me your arm, Kenji-kun," Megumi said lightly.  The boy hesitantly extended his right hand and Megumi swabbed a small section of his upper arm with a cotton ball soaked in alcohol.

            Kaoru placed a hand around his shoulders as the needle approached.  _'It'll be all right, Megumi-san knows what she's doing…'_

            Kenji squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in his mother's side.

            *jab!*

            "Itai!"

            "Oro!"

            **_*WHUMP!*_**

            "Oh for the love of…!" Kaoru exclaimed, looking down at her unconscious husband while Megumi pressed another bit of cotton against the small wound in Kenji's arm, "He's faced the Shinsengumi, Shishio Makoto and the Juppon-gatana, and Yukishiro Enishi without turning a hair, and one little needle makes him keel over before you can say "Banzai!"  Kenshin no baka!"

            "Actually, you'd be surprised at how often that happens…" Megumi said.

_*flashback*_

            "All right, Tsutomu-kun, if you'll just give me your arm…"

            *jab!*

            "Itai!"

**_            *WHUMP!*_**

            "Yare, yare," Tokio sighed, patting her son on the head and glancing down at her husband, "You'd think the former Captain of the Third Squad of the Shinsengumi would have a sterner constitution.  I'm going to hold this one over Hajime's head for _months!_"

Owari

Narrator here.  Now, before anyone flames me, I just want to point out that, in my experience, it's the big tough guys who keel over when faced with shots.  Kenshin and Saitou, being the "ultimate warrior" guys they are, just kinda left that opportunity open for me.

Also for the record, Edward Jenner, an English doctor, first advanced the theory of vaccines in the late eighteenth century, performing the first successful smallpox vaccinations in the 1790's.  Therefore, it is entirely probable that the idea of vaccinations had reached Japan a century later. 


End file.
